Log in

No account? Create an account

(no subject)

Jul. 28th, 2006 | 01:06 am

Wha to do?
wha to do?
    I can't stand this anymore. i cant stand not lovin bill the way he loves me. We broke up, so i could get my head straight. So the next day. I was missin him terribly. I couldnt stop thinkin about him. couldnt stop thinkin how miserable i was without him. 
Now the reason we broke up was bc i was confused wit our relationship. confused if i still loved him or not. 
So back to what i was sayin...
So i was sittin there thinkin the next day how much i loved him. N how i wanted to be wit him. But i didnt go back out wit him the next day. i stood strong knowin if i went back out wit him after one day break up, i would go back into that stage of confusion.
So that whole day i just thought of him. N how much i missed him. I keep callin him, just to hear his voice. Just hearing it made me smile. So that night we talked. I felt horrible for what he was saying to me. He was telling me he's tired of crying, tired of gettin so upset that he can't eat, sleep, nor think. N i felt horrible. That gettin ur heart broke bc sumone who doesnt know they dont love u as much as u do can do such damage to sumone. But apparently it did. N it hit hard. N i could hear it in his voice he wanted to cry. But he was being strong. tryin to show me hes bein strong in this situation. Bc last time we took a break i told him when he crys, he makes me feel bad n makes me want to go back out wit him. But this time he wasnt lettin himself go. And i appericated that to the fullest. Because it made me think well. 
So the next came around. N we were kewl n wha not. But this day i didnt think of him much. Which didnt make me miss him nor think of our relationship. The i came to a conclusion, maybe just maybe if he comes over we can short this out, n maybe me seein him could make me realize how much i need him in my life.
God was i wrong wrong wrong. I made he go home upset. We talked, but no about good things. Not good things at all. I made him feel more like shit. Which i wasnt plannin on doin but i did. Y? idk..I cant controll myself anymore. Like these thoughts get put into my head. N i say them. Then when i say them i regret it. But its too late to apologize bc by the time i regret it hes gone. N sad.
Maybe i like the drama in my life?
maybe i crave for it?
   Maybe from my last relationship all there was drama.
I mean i thought i could of learned from my last real relationship. 
I was wit this guy Mike(which ive talked about in here) well we were together for 6-7 months. We loved each other. It was my first love n his too. We did a lot together. But soon enough perfect went to disaster. We fought fought fought n more fighting. But we stood by each other. N still loved each other. Then one day i said enough. I couldnt take it anymore. I couldnt allow myself to go through this stress n depression. So i called it quits. We more like a break. SO for a month we we're on a break. We still acted liek we were goin out. Soon enough when i knew i wanted to be wit him for sure n that i wanted to spend the rest of my life wit  him he dicked me over. for another girl. My heart was torn into two. Knowin that sumone who told me they loved me every single day through the break n out of no wheres the next day he doesnt want me. Knowin that he didnt love me the way i loved him. I was a mess for months. Thinkin in my head wow. I'll never be able to find the love i found in him. I never got over him. Once skool was over n he was wit a new girl. I tried datein around. Didnt go no wheres. Summer n it was near my b-day. N bam he walks back into my life. N once again i loved him again. I never stopped but it came back at me like a ton of bricks. So every night we hang out etc.. The sad part in this is by june he moved to NY n he came back In July which is the month i was born in. So my summer love was him. The when i realize damn, i cant be wit him. Y? Only bc he lived 3hrs away now. I couldnt be wit sumone that lived that far. But i  was scared that i would love me as much as i loved him. But i knew deep down inside i would never find that. So in Aug. I sat there sad thinkin i would never find love again. N i promised myself, if i ever found sumone who would stick by my side n love me forever n not let me go through wha i went through wit mike. i knew he would be the one.
    The Bam! Bill walked into my life. In Aug. i was seein this guy name Tony. I wasn't dateing him but we were i guess seein each other. Well when i started hangin wit tony i meet Bill. The first time i saw him my eye were directly on him. I forgot about Mike. Bill was incredible. He was funny, cute, n always happy. Soon after me n tony figured we never go out. Me n Bill would talk on the computer n just bullshit. The more i talked to him, the more i liked him. 
     The one day out of no wheres he texted me out of know wheres n was like, hey i am in the hospital, i broke my neck. Let me tell u i freaked. We werent goin out or anythin. but i cared about him. So i got a ride to the hospital n saw him twice. Me n him would text n call each other while he was in the hospital. One night he texted me n asked me if i liked him. N i told him yes i did. Nervously i waited for his response n he told me he liked me too =) U dont understand how happy i was that nite.
    A couple days later he got out of the hospital n called me told me he was out. I asked him if me n my best friend paige could come over. N he said yes. From that day i was by his side. Bein by him since he had a broken neck. Three days later he asked me out. For 2 months i was by his side every day, every minute i could be wit him since he wasnt allowed out. 
  Three weeks went by no thoughts of mike. Only on Bill. It was weird i never felt the way i felt for bill in awhile. Not since Mike. The i realize wow i love him. So that nite i tried to tell him i loved him. But he figured out wha i was tryin to say. He also loved me too. It was the first time in my entire life that i told sumone i loved them first. From that on i had sumone who loved me n went through everythin wit me. We fought, we cried, we smiled. But we never wanted to break up. It was great to love again. To know wow, i know this one is goin to work. to know this person is goin to love me through anythin. N which he did. I would get angry. I would yell, get upset wit him. But to my surprise he stuck by myside. He loved me. no matter wha. 
     Then i moved. I moved further from him. In the begining we were great. Then i started to think stupidly. I started to get confuse. Thinkin i liked sumone else. N think hey i dont know if i love him as much as i use to. N i broke up him, for a couple days. To come to the point i think im beingin wha i hated to have happen to me. When i wasnt as loved by mike when i loved him. I didnt want to be that. I wanted that to happen to me. Why would i do that to sumone who loves me through hell and back? Thinkin of wha im doin now. Wha is my problem? Why am i thinkin this way? Im becomin wha i feared the most. I dont want to be the way i am. i want to love bill as much as i did before i moved. how happy i was. how i couldnt get him off my mind. how i wanted to spend every wakin moment by his side. knowin he loved me as much as i loved him. I need to realize that wha i have infront of me is love, n is true. I love him, but why can't i stop thinking the way that im thinkin....

I love him<333333
i know i wouldnt be here without him. Hes what glew me back together when i was broken.
I m sorry Bill, for everytime i made u suffer. I dont want to do wha i hated happenin to me.
i love u. forever. i might be dumb i migth think stupidly but i love u. forever i promise....

Blah skool

Mar. 7th, 2006 | 06:31 am
mood: mellow mellow

I am in school right now, i just got done taking a test which was not fun at all...Well sadly my aunt doesnt want to take me to live wit her until skool is over..wha a bitch i mean seriously i m family n u cant take for 3 months..w/e...so ya me n bill have been together for 6months now..sunday was our ann. i m so0o happy wit him..i dont think i can be any happier...The movin shit makes me ubber depressed, but bill calms me down n has me think of good stuff about movin...I love him so0o much..Hes like the only person who really understands me, hes my bf n i can also consider him as my best friend, which is weird right? well i dont think so, hes just so0 awesome...Well i have one more choice on stayin in hamilton until june n thats maggies house, which is dave's mom..she said she will think about it bc she thought she was movin..but shes not movin now, so next week imma ask her if i can stay wit him..hopefully she says yes..bc i really wanna finish skool here n then go move...well i m gonna go..i am out this bitch like a bloody tampon lol..

I love Bill forever!!!



Feb. 28th, 2006 | 01:09 pm
mood: confused confused

still fucked up since yesterday...My aunt said i can live wit her until skool ends but she has to check it up wit my uncle before i can stay..I hope to god they'll let me stay. I'll even try to stay until i'm 17 but thats doubtful.. :( I'm very happy that my friends r givin me support..There the best..Im still scared wha is gonna happen between me n bill...I just feel like a mess right now..Bill says he still wants to stay wit me if i move, so that made me happy but i still dont wanna move...I kinda feel if i move me n bill will go down hill....N i dont want that to happen...This sunday will be 6months wit bill n i want to keep goin, hes everythin i want and i want to stay wit him longer...I guess i have to cross  my fingers n pray to god that sum how i will be able to stay in hamilton...Plan n simple, this fucking sucks...

Please tell me y this has to happen

Feb. 27th, 2006 | 10:42 am
mood: depressed depressed

I m so0o depressed right now...Well ive been sick for the past couple days n today my mom wakes me up n says me n dad need to talk to u..So 8 in the mornin i get out of bed walk to the computer room, n my parents tell me im movin..I didnt really care at first n then they go well were movin all the way to Jackson :( Thats a 30drive from hamitlon..N i started cryin...Since 8 in the mornin to 11 i've been cryin, i cant stop cryin...i cant move that far i cant move from my friends, n specially i cant move away from Bill..I m so0o depressed if i leave my friends i'll be so0o depressed n specially if i leave bill i wont know how to live anymore....I love him so0o0o much i cant  leave him, he means the world to me, n i need him...I m gonna be soo0o depressed without him, hes my world, n without him i'm nuthin....I m gonna try my hardest to stay here, i m not leavin i need to stay i cant move..I know if i move i'll be so0 depressed i dont even know wha i will do to myself....Just thinkin about losein bill makes me go crazy...I cant stop cryin i dont know wha to do....I m gonna try my hardest to stay in hamilton..I cant leave for myself, bill, n paige...they need me n i need them...Why does this have to be this way, :*(


Feb. 25th, 2006 | 06:00 pm
mood: bitchy bitchy

God today was a waste...so0o lets me start wit in the mornin, i went to 6 flags to apply for a job n guess wha, i didnt get it bc of this stupid question w/e...N then i go to bill's wrestling thing wit all this ppl they do back yard wrestlin n i went n i went home early bc i was feelin like shit...N bill droped me off n stayed at the wrestling thing this is like 4 n its 6 now n hes still there so i m sittin here sick n hes out doin his wrestlin thing..Not sayin i m mad bc i m not bc wrestling is his passion n i m happy he has a passion, but it just makes me upset bc its like 6 n i barely see him as it is, hes always at work n one weekend i can chill wit him, hes doin sumthin else...Idk i m so0 confused on so many things right now i bet he wont be here until fuckin 7 w/e...Sumtimes i feel like wrestling is more important me but i think im just sayin this bc i m upset...I just want to spend time wit him bc i barely do over the week...N i keep thinkin maybe hes too busy for me, maybe i should detact myself from this relationship..But i cant i love him to much...But i guess i'll suck it up n hope to god things will be better, i mean the relationship in general is perfect were happy n thats great but are time together is blah, we barely see it each other as is...I dont know wha to do...I guess i'll ignore it bc maybe i m just upset n i think stupid shit..I just wish he'd come over n spend time wit me, but hey who knows i might have to wait until another hour for him..Idk anymore...I love him so0o much but maybe hes to old for me mayb i  need sumone to who is my age n doesnt have a lot of plans in there book..Idk..i know i could never leave bill, i love him too much..I m just thinkin stupid..well i m goin byez

My brother

Feb. 4th, 2006 | 08:31 pm
mood: gloomy gloomy
music: Chester Bennington-Morning After

So i had a decent day today...Me n bill did fight today yay!! lol...But i feel kinda bummed out right now though...Its like i havent spoken to my brother bobby in like 2months or maybe longer idk..But u dont understand how much i miss him...It just sucks bc hes my brother, n i never talk to him, n i havent seen him since like april or sumthin...Its almost a year....Hes in FL, i think hes in jail there for sumthin stupid..I wish i could see him or at least talk to him for a lil...well hopefully if he does get out of jail he'll find a way to get back to NJ n i could c him...But i highly highly doubt that..Well i pray to god i'll see him...Well im out


(no subject)

Feb. 2nd, 2006 | 11:00 pm
mood: cranky cranky

I feel like shit right now...I just feel like a bitch n a worthless piece of shit...So for the past 3 days havent been all thay grand between me n bill...Tuesday wasnt that bad but yesterday was horrible...So me n bill got into a argument about havin me goin wit him to his ex gfs ashley's house..N i just got so0o upset n mad bc i dont wanna c his ex that he had a strong past wit, meanin he was like in love wit this girl for awhile...N i didnt want myself to meet her, bc if i hung out wit her bill n who ever i m just gonna be depressed...So he got mad at me bc i dont want to be her friend, i dont wanna know her n stuff like that...N ya maybe that soundz like i am a totally bitch, but i really dont wanna meet any of bill's ex's..After we fought we made up of course..N i felt a lot better..I hate hate hate fightin wit bill, i just love him so much n i just hate for us to get angry wit each other...Well today i was a lill snappy wit bill today, i didnt mean to though..I was just cranky bc i've been havin the worse sleep ever n when ur tired ur cranky..So we got into a lil argument again, but we made up...I just feel horrible..It just makes me upset to fight wit bill..its been like this for the past 3 days, n it just sucks...But tomorrow is friday n hopefully everythin will be a lot lot better n we wont fight..I just hate fightin wit him...I just love bill so0o0 much, i couldnt make it without him, hes everythin i need in life n everythin i've ever wanted more...So i know tomorrow i m not gonna be bitchy n i m gonna try my hardest to prevent to fight wit him..Well i m out



Jan. 29th, 2006 | 08:19 pm
mood: confused confused

I hate how everything has been...Ppl suspect i forgot about them bc of bill..which is totally fuckin BS..its like how in the hell did i forget about u, first of all bill broke his neck so ya all my time went to him, n then his dad died, so of course, i had to be there for him...n then he got the chicken pox, n then he started work..so by the time he started to work thats when i had more time for my friends, but by that time, i was so0 fid up wit my friends shit talkin crap about me, drew to the point y do i need them when all they have to say is fucked up things...Like i love them all the death, i really do even if they feel i ditch them or anythin..n ya in sum way i understand how they feel..so ya i m upset in sum ways that they said things but i mean they have a right to...i guess it always made me upset bc i love bill so0o much, is that dave(bill's best friend) was kinda mean to him n did even say hi or anythin to bill, when he came into the house...n he says that bill needs to find a day that dave isnt wit anythin one, n he said bill did the same thing to him..so i guess i feel him too...n ne ways i shouldnt even care about bill's n dave's problem..they'll straighten it out, i hope...I also feel that i need to patch things up wit my friends..I feel that i need to put sum time in for them..so i need to make plans wit them n just make things kewl wit us...I mean if i just let this pile up, it'll get worse so i have to fix it now before things get more worse then they r...I mean now i do have more time, n i shouldnt waste it, n i know i should just put it to use for my friends then waste it...But for awhile i felt i needed to end it wit bill, bc how my friends felt about me ditchin them n bill's friends felt that way about him too..but i figured this, i dont need to end it wit him, when i know i can fix things...So thats wha i m goin to do..imma fix things, n make things normal in my life again so i dont have to be so0o0 stressed out anythin...So speakin of that now, i m fixin things now..im goin to hang wit amanda tomorrow until like 4:30..Tuesday i m hangin wit paige, dave, bill., n who ever else we get..N Wed i m hangin wit paige n who ever else..N Thursday im goin to chill wit who ever...N fri i'll get my ass to go to the movies wit my friends since i havent in forever..The sat i'll probably have alone time wit bill, unless sumthin else come up..N sunday i'll see wha happens...But i know i need to patch things up, so thats wha i m doin...Well wow i feel better about writtin how i felt lol...N i feel more calmed down...Well i m out..Heres how i feel for the friends i havent had the time for...

Paige-Dude i m so0o friggin sry, i swear imma patch things back up..We'll be as close as we were before..We'll start chillin like we use to..N i promise i wont ever forget about u..N sry for tellin u i'll hang n then i dont, n sry for tellin u can sleep over n then plans were changed...I m fucked up, n i promise my word for everythin

Amanda-U've been my best firend for 9 years..u've been there though everythin wit me, n trust me imma have more time for u again, just like i did before when i lived across the street from u..i love ya

Carlee-U r so0 awesome, n i love ya..u've been a great friend to me, n i couldnt ask for more..N sry for not chillin, i know u always chill n i never had the time..well thats gonna change so u'll be seein more of my ass :) lol..Love ya

Eric-I know u havent complained yet, but i just miss the summer wit u..I hung out wit u everythin n i never had sum much fun..U were pretty much the light of the sun for me..so i really pray to chill wit u a lot more...Ur just soo awesome n ur like a bro to me..I love o0o much

(no subject)

Dec. 16th, 2005 | 01:02 pm
mood: blah blah
music: Nine Days-If I Am

I feel so blah right now, i hate feelin this way...I barely got any sleep last night bc all i did was think, n when i did wake up the first thing to pop into my head was the thing i was thinkin last night...i dont know if i m bein stupid over this thing or not.The thin i m thinkin is this girl that Bill talks to..She like  left a message in his dead journal, n  wha she said to him is soo noticeably that she likes him, n i say this to Bill n he goes no were just best friends..N i tried thinkin that i tried puttin that in my head, but i m just not convinced..Maybe Bill sees it that way but i really think she does.Like  my biggest fear is either she will try to take him from me, or Bill will start to like her..N i dont want that to happen..I love Bill so much like i really do, n i dont want to lose him. He means everythin to mean like seriously hes the reason for me wakein up each day n livin..N i just want to lose him i m so0o tired of heartache n jumpin out of relationships i want to stay wit him for as long as i can..

N another thing that bothers me is that she invites him to this new years eve party n he goes "oo i might be goin but i m not sure right now" Like we had plans way before she even came into this picture, n now he might change plans to go to her party..i really hope he doesnt i mean he loves me as much as he says he does n truely truely cares about me he would think of my feelings like how i think of his feelings all the time n be like no i m not goin to that party..But i mean he can do w/e he feels like it..Hes his own human begining, but i know i would give him the respect of not goin if i was in that situation bc i love him n i care about him n his feelings n i wouldnt want anythin to feel uncomfitable between us..Well we'll just see whats happens, n hopefully things will get better n i will be happy n everythin will ok i hope...well i m gonna go



Nov. 22nd, 2005 | 12:37 pm
mood: blah blah
music: Taproot- Lost in the woods

Wow, i feel so blah right now..Well on the 20th my boyfriend Bill, his father passed away...He was a great man from what i knew of him, i just really wish i could of had more time with him to get to know him more...I feel soo bad for bill right now, it seems like for the past couple months hes just been havin bad luck from his broken neck to his father..I really wish i could do more to make him happy, but i can do is be there to listen n be there wit open arms..I love him so much, i just hate to see him go through this kind of stuff at a young age. I mean i m not him, but i can still feel sum wha of the pain hes goin through...Well todays the viewing, the second viewin i have ever went to in my life...The first one i ever went to was when i was 4 but i cant remember much from it...Its gonna be really weird goin to it today..
*I love u bill n i want u to know i will always be there for u when ever u need me <3 *